FILM
Heckler
The Unbookables (in development)
FESTIVALS
Montreal Just For Laughs
Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Bumbershoot
Amsterdam International Comedy Festival
AWARDS
San Francisco Comedy Competition Winner
TELEVISION
G4
Deface the Nation
The Brody Steven’s Show
After Hours
Mudslingers Ball
BOOKS
The Greyhound Diary
The Unreadables
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Weapons Of Mass Destruction
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I Don’t Dance
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Destroy All Humans Drunk Tech Support Message
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From IMDB…
“The Unbookables is a feature length documentary about stand-up comics so brilliant yet outrageous, they are The Unbookables. What happens when you push the limits of free speech on comedy stages across America today? Comedy’s biggest stars retell hilarious stories of comedy beyond the pale and explain the unwritten rules of comedy as we watch these Unbookable comics bend, break and smash these rules as they blaze an alcohol and drug fueled trail across the country, verbally torching the few places in America foolish enough to still let them perform. Witness demented comedy genius at its funniest, filthiest and most perverted! They are… The Unbookables.”
MANAGEMENT
Roger Paul
Rogue Talent Group
roger@roguetalentgroup.com
212-262-0008
E-mail James
james@jamesinman.com
One thing about New York when you go out drinking you have to remember to get on the Q train. It’s always on time and it’s the most dependable subway train available. This will get you where you need to go. If you get complicated directions or try to back track drunk the same way you got to the club from a different train you can accidentally become homeless. That’s why there’s so many homeless people in New York. Because they missed the Q train and got on some other train. I know everyone has their favorite train and some people may tell you all kinds of sweet sounding half truths about their D train or 2 train but don’t fucking believe it. It’s just another New York scam. You might as well play chess with a Russian mobster or hand over your wallet to a crackhead.
Last time I went out I got some bogus directions from a blind autistic child with Ringworm. He was saying, “Oh it’s simple. You just get on the B and transfer to the N train and you’re right there in the club. The train stops right inside the club itself. You get some kind of ten free drink tickets just for riding the N train and someone hands you $500. It’s the best train in Manhattan.”
I have no idea why I took this guy’s advice. Everything sounded simple at first and I did make it to the club somehow after a nine hour walk. But when you get directions from someone in New York make sure they have at least drank one beer sometime in their life. Half the people here go to bed at 8 in the evening and have no idea what happens to the subway system at night.
New York is not dangerous because of roving gangs with screwdrivers or distempered rats after dark. It’s dangerous because the fucking B train doesn’t run at night and the N train is a plastic headless doll that’s always being patched up with duct tape run by midgets. When you’re drunk at 3 in the morning you don’t want to have to read a goddamn map. Your head can explode. You can die of exposure or schizophrenia waiting for a broken train after midnight.
That’s how I almost became homeless in New York. The worst kind of homeless. Drunken, screaming, puking on myself, babbling socialism to a Police Officer homeless. After three hours of waiting I found out the B and the N were never going to come. So somehow, out of nowhere, I see Mayor Bloomberg himself. He’s got a Vogue model on each arm. He comes right over to me and says, “You look lost. You need the Q train. Fuck the N and the B. We built those trains to trap terrorists and relocate the homeless. The Q is the best train in the city. It’s an express train and it doesn’t stop for no one. Just don’t walk across the fucking tracks.”
I’ll be opening up for Doug Stanhope this Friday at the Highline Ballroom in NY. I’ve known Doug for years and he never ceases to amaze me. Great comedian and always funny. These pictures were taken in the desert somewhere in the middle of fucking nowhere on a four day drunk binge. You might be asking yourself if Doug pissed his pants. Actually it’s more wrong than that. Other people at the party pissed on Doug to make it look like he pissed his pants.
“Your pictures should be about you, not your clothing. So keep it simple. No wild, distracting patterns or garish colors. Wearing one color, or similar shades, from shoulders to shoes will streamline and thin your appearance.” (Videojug article)
This is Andy Andrist. I think he made it to every party. He also started the giant piss attack on Doug. I have no idea where he got that silver paint. This was one of the best costumes at the party. We also had a girl who wrapped herself in cellophane and you could see right through it. Cellophane is also good during a piss attack. Andy won’t be on this show but he’s always opening for Doug too.
“To avoid the mug shot look, have your shoulders and head at different angles. If you have larger ears, try posing at a 3/4 angle to lens so you show only one ear to camera so as to diminish how big your ears look in the photograph. If you have a big nose or many chins, try turning your head straight to camera and raise your chin slightly.” (Videojug article)
The is me passed out at the desert party. Hale Sayton wrote on my forehead and took a picture of it. Get this. He’s a real police officer now in St. Louis. Can you believe that? A cop wrote on my forehead. Great guy though. He plays a mean guitar. Tom Waits and Tool. Probably one of the coolest cops you’ll ever meet. But I still hate him. I hope it doesn’t get too crazy this weekend. Last time I hung out with Doug it was chaos as always. We’ll have to be somewhat sober to do the show because it’s in a theater and everything. Highline Ballroom with Doug Stanhope this Friday and Saturday, June 11th and 12th. 431 W. 16th St. New York, NY. Tickets $25.00 and show starts at 8:00.
I can’t stop playing this game Borderlands. Somehow I got addicted to PC games when I built my first computer. When I was buying the parts I wanted a half way decent video card and to test it out I downloaded Half Life 2. I was amazed at the graphics and how the game just went on and on. I couldn’t believe how computer geeks put it all together with every little detail and it just seemed like an unending work of art. Since then I kept buying better video cards and the games became more realistic. This all started with my dealer Jim Harkins. He’s the guy that gave me my first computer. I call him a dealer but it’s not drugs he gets people addicted to it’s computers. His house is filled with computer parts, laptops, software, computer books, DVDs, games, game consoles, wires, cables, routers, switches, hard drives, video cards, processors, memory sticks, jump drives and weird electronic control boards with blinking lights God knows what they’re connected to. I was at his house one day and he had an X-Box, PlayStation and a GameCube all brand new, still in the box unopened. We were discussing capitalism and the consumer culture. I was telling him how he buys too many things and doesn’t even use them. I just pointed to something at random and said, “Look at this! What is this X-Box thing? You haven’t even opened it. Let’s check it out and see what it does.” We picked an unopened game out randomly. It happened to be Halo 2 one of the biggest selling games ever. And that’s how it all started. Now I’m stuck on Bordelands. Scavenging for loot. Modding weapons. Searching game forums for tips and tricks. Playing online with 13 year old Japanese kids half way around the world. It’s retarded.
But what’s the actual temperature of hell? Is it like 5000 degrees? 10,000 degrees? Is it as hot as the sun? That’s supposed to be about 15 million degrees. Let’s say hell is 15 million degrees give or take. Whatever. When you get there it’s hotter than fuck like you just burned your hand on one of those swirly orange glowing electric stove top things. That’s screaming and running around on fire hot. It’s going to really suck I know.
I’ve been mulling this around as a spiritual exercise. At first it’s definitely going to be hot. I got that. But people say hell is also eternal. So is it going to really suck that bad forever? For all eternity? Don’t you think after a while you’re going to get used to it? Let’s say after a million years or so. Or even a million billion years. But remember its eternity so a million billion years will seem like the blink of an eye. Let’s say you’ve been there for a bit longer than the blink of an eye. Let’s say it’s been about fifty years in hell time. After a while it’s going to feel like 15 million degrees is normal. That’s the temperature it’s supposed to be. It’s hell. It has to be that hot. But if it goes down at all it’s going to seem cooler and people in hell will get a small breather. It would have to constantly keep getting hotter for it to suck forever. How powerful is Satan if he can keep turning the temperature up forever?
He’s got to be a workaholic. He’s everywhere on earth and down in hell shoveling coal on a furnace, while at the same time tempting people to fornicate, steal, murder and believe in false gods. He’s also starting wars, famine, plagues and pestilence while shoveling more coal and keeping things always sucking. How does he find the time? Does he ever take a vacation? Here’s where the fundamentalists get you. This is what they say, “He has people do his work for him. He has a pitchfork and he stabs you on the head or neck while he turns up the heat. He may not even turn it up himself; he probably gets people to do that too. They crank up some kind of devil machine that he built. He tells them to do it and/or he has the pitchfork so they just do it anyway.”
Let me get this straight. We work for Satan. He jabs us with a pitchfork. We’re really the ones working to keep it hot. So it’s really the pitchfork that sucks. Satan can’t do shit without it. How quick is he with this? There’s going to be a lot of people in hell so there better be a shit load of pitchforking. Did he build a machine for that too? And it’s got to keep getting worse or people will get used to it. It’s got to keep going in deeper, over every inch of your body, for eternity, for everyone in hell, or it’s not going to keep people working to make stuff hotter forever.
Still a million billion years of being hot and poked with a pointed stick is not my idea of fun. But ask yourself this. How has he been able to get away with this evil for so long? You would think somebody would have capped this guy a long time ago and saved us all the bullshit. So I look to the Bible for answers and I find out someone actually catches this fucker but they let him back out! Get this. In the Book of Revelation 20:1-3 it says,
“And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years, and cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”
Does anyone ever ask how the fuck this happens? I know a lot of people are lost on the Trinity. People have a million different interpretations on Christ, God and the Bible. The Garden of Eden story is weird too because it seems like the snake is the one who actually told the truth about the apple. Or why did God put that tree in the garden with those fucked up apples there in the first place? Noah brings every kind of animal on a boat? Somehow he found every species of mosquito and poisonous toad, leeches and creepy parasites that crawl inside your eyeballs and lay eggs. There’s worms, bats, spiders and rats. You know how many different kinds of rats there are? I know it’s complicated. But God works in mysterious ways.
But let’s go back to the Book of Revelation if it wasn’t clear enough for you the first time. “Till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”
You mean to tell me an angel catches this assclown and puts him in a bottomless pit. He shuts him up and seals him down. But for some strange reason he lets him out again? After only a thousand years? What in the fuck? You have the keys dillweed! What kind of angel is this? That sounds like a dick angel. Keep him in there! I’m in hell for all eternity and it’s hot as fuck. It lasts longer than a billion million years. No human can even comprehend how long it is. I’m getting beaten, stabbed and ass raped repeatedly. I also have to do Satan’s work to keep hell hot and this fucktard angel let him free on work release? Does he have a good lawyer? Did he get out on a technicality or good behavior? Did the Lord of Flies get one of those ankle bracelets to clean trash on the highway and somehow hitchhikes back to safety? And if he looks like Satan who would be dumb enough to pick him up? It would have to be some blind Greek mythology Professor who mistook his pitchfork for Poseidon’s trident.
Sounds like bullshit to me.
As I approached the Headquarters at Blackwater USA, I found the parking lot filled with Sport Utility Vehicles modified with what is called the True Quad PowerTrain. Not available to the general public as of 2007, these transport units come with a separate engine for each wheel making it a true Quad 4WD. The gas mileage is still classified but experts agree the 400 gallon tank can last a quarter of a mile before refueling. Not surprisingly for the past 50 miles outside Blackwater I drove past thousands of gas stations. Each refueling station was connected directly to a petrochemical plant owned and operated by Blackwater. Half of the refueling stations were on fire or exploding. I navigated a series of security checkpoints where Blackwater contractors were basically running around killing each other, so I had no problem slipping past undetected.
Most people think of mercenaries as dirty, camo-clad ex-Navy Seals with painted faces creeping out of some pond filled with slimy moss and poisonous snakes. Not the security contractor of today. Blackwater is a private contracting firm. They protect private enterprise and global corporations. The new look resembles a black NASCAR uniform. The Medal of Honor is the corporate logo. Gulf Oil, British Petroleum, Texaco, Sprint, Snickers, Tide, Vaseline and Kentucky Fried Chicken are displayed proudly for brave dedication of service. Dishonor at Burger King can open up a can of whoop ass. These men give their lives for the freedom to have the burger cooked anyway they like it. And if you don’t like it? Then it’s lock and load commie faggot. Taste the Rainbow. That’s just Ford Tough. I’ll Shout it Out that I protect the smooth creamy rich filling inside a Milky Way Bar. Can you hear me now?
Inside the waiting room at personnel I saw a sea of psychotic men screaming out their favorite commercial jingles. It was like a food court gone mad. To the right was a Pizza Hut and on the left was a shooting range. I’m not sure if anyone was in charge. I asked around for some kind of secretary or employment application. After I ordered a Supreme Personal Pan Pizza I dodged more bullets from the Blind Firing and made my way back to the table. I finally found that on the back of the Pizza Hut paper tray liner was some kind of game or test you had to pass before you were considered a full time employee. I connected the dots with Crayons to form what looked like a dragon with seven heads and ten horns. Or it could have been a seahorse I’m not sure. There didn’t seem to be anyone checking for errors, so I just left it on the table. I was now a full time employee of Blackwater USA, making more than twenty times that of an average US soldier in Iraq.
Most people think of Blackwater as those wannabe soldiers protecting chicken shit diplomats inside the green zone in Baghdad. Nothing could be further from the truth. My first assignment was something they call “Blind Flying.” This is pretty much the same as Blind Firing but the difference is you climb aboard a C-17 Globemaster and the pilot dons his black bandana and you fly randomly to any place in the world. Secrecy is paramount. Blackwater contractors are not told where they are or what they are doing. Not even headquarters knows the full details of any mission. We were told to climb off the plane and start discharging our weapons anywhere. This is the Fog of War. No one knows what went on in those few seconds of chaos. It all happened in a blur of gunfire. Before I knew it we were back on the plane to another destination.
Civilian causalities are non-existent to Blackwater troops because everyone is an enemy or potential enemy. Corporations are also at war with each other, so there could be Blackwater contractors firing on themselves. You never want to point a gun at an individual unless you’re prepared to use it and it is Blackwater’s policy to always have guns drawn so it’s inevitable that anyone can be shot at anytime. However, Blackwater is always on guard due to extensive “bandana training.” There could be rogue Blackwater security forces working for OPEC, Pepsi and Nextel planning an attack on Mitsubishi, Ikea and Bud Light. Al Qaeda could join forces with Kellogg’s Fruity Pebbles to take control of the heroin market or even Hershey’s new ad campaign. We fight in a new paradigm. It’s a dangerous world but it’s our professionalism that seeks order through blind chaos.
This is the new Corporate Elite Soldier. Blackwater is committed to supporting national and international security policies that protect defenseless corporations whatever side they’re on. They dedicate themselves to providing an efficient and effective stream of disorder that may randomly impact the lives of those still caught in a secure world. They are further committed to a ten horned hydra-headed seahorse-like beast. Those who believe in a peaceful future for their communities and nations will be caught in the cross fire too. Whether they serve in uniform or out, civilian or terrorist, non-combatant, animal, vegetable or mineral, Blackwater will be there.